The real ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll High School’

By • Aug 31st, 2007 • Category: Columns

If The Ramones thought that high school was oppressive in 1979, they’d be shocked today. The metal detectors. The drug screens. The police-issued tickets for skipping classes. Education has become everything that the pioneering punks railed against during “Rock’n'Roll High School,” and much more.

Today, rockstar peers are taking to the classrooms with heightened notoriety. Not to clap erasers in detention or stick gum to the bottom of desks – as professors. Unlike the teachers turned musicians, such as Sting during his Gordon Sumner days who taught for three years in the early 1970s, several high-profile names have done it the other way around.

So when Queen’s legendary Brian May – arguably the greatest of all-time – turned in his 48,000-word thesis titled “Radial Velocities in the Zodiacal Dust Cloud” last week to complete his astrophysics doctorate, it begged the question: What would a rock’n'roll high school be like? If those former class clowns became the heads of the class, what would they teach?

First period
Subject: English
Teacher: Rivers Cuomo, front man of Weezer
Credentials: The Harvard graduated and member of the Phi Beta Kappa honors society in English is certain to further the stereotype of argyle sweaters and black-rimmed glasses within the department. Although his moodiness would make him tough to predict, he surely would interject some life into the otherwise stale curriculum with his “Dungeon Master’s Guide,” 12-sided die and appreciation for X-Men Kitty Pryde and Nightcrawler – as mentioned in the tune “In the Garage.”

Second period
Subject: Chemistry
Teacher: Milo Aukerman, front man for pop-punk legends The Descendents
Credentials: With a Ph.D. in biochemistry from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, one of rock’s original braniacs could teach students how to balance art and science by playing his band’s classic “Milo Goes To College” while memorizing the periodic table of elements.

Third period
Subject: Math
Teacher: Brian May, guitarist for Queen
Credentials: After receiving his Ph.D in astrophysics, the iconic musicians would be best suited to show that everything in life cycles back to basic mathematical equations, whether that is the numbers of his science or the perfect metronome of the “We Will Rock You” stomp-stomp-clap.

Fourth period
Subject: Government
Teacher: John Kerry, former Democratic party presidential nominee and ex-bassist for The Electras
Credentials: With too many musicians talking politics without having any true experience beyond a few benefit gigs, Kerry would be able to teach how the government works form the inside out, instead of those naive performers demanding change without an idea of how to get it. He’s also the perfect person to lecture about growing up and moving on once a dream is dead – both in rock’n'roll and the White House.

Fifth period
Subject: Earth Science
Teacher: Greg Graffin, front man for Bad Religion
Credentials: His Ph.D in zoology, as well as his current full-time job as a professor of life sciences at UCLA makes the politi-punk a prime candidate to break down everything from photosynthesis to monkey DNA. Although, it might be weird to get schooled on evolution by a man whose band hasn’t changed chord or chorus for more than 25 years.

Sixth period
Subject; Physical Education
Teacher: Huey Lewis, front man for Huey Lewis and The News
Credentials: Lewis is an rabid baseball fanatic who’s fantasized openly about trading in the stage for a diamond. And let’s be fair, isn’t that what all gym teachers are anyway? Failed athletes? That’s why nobody takes P.E. seriously; and nobody takes Lewis seriously, either.

Seventh period
Subject: Auto Shop (elective)
Teacher: Steve Hewitt, drummer for Brit pop darlings Placebo
Credentials: The long-haired Hewitt would be perfect to walk rough-and-tumble kids through piecing together a V8 engine. After all, he did it for years. Before slapping on the black nail polish and eyeliner, the Englishman spent time on pit crews for Formula One race cars.

Northwest Herald, Aug. 31, 2007

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