There has got to be something in the air this week, or maybe it’s in the water. Heck, judging by the last few days, it might be both.

A Swedish couple is set to go to court because the country’s National Tax Board refused to process the forms that officially would make their newborn baby girl’s name… wait for it… wait for it… Metallica. That’s right, Michael and Karolina Tomaro were denied when attempting to file paperwork that stated their child was to be named after the band. The Board said the decision was made because Metallica is too “associated with metal” and is an “ugly” thing to call a child. Yet the County Administrative Court that first approved the name was quick to point out another Swede already adorns the band’s moniker as a middle name. All this not only proves the couple is willing to go through great legal lengths to ensure their child is ridiculed for her entire life, but also that there is at least one other set of parents who were just slightly more tactful — although equally fanatical — about the heavy metal quartet.

Who would have thought the country that gave the world ABBA would have such an avid appreciated for Metallica? Karolina Tomaro — who herself has to deal with sharing names with a U.S. state and the near future — said the couple chose the name because “It suits here… she’s decisive and she knows what she wants.” It’s hard to imagine the infant child has any similarities to the middle-aged rockstars, except maybe sounding like Lars Ulrich when the drummer was crying over Napster. It looks like the tides have shifted a bit. Whereas before rock’n’roll couples gave their children bizarre names in attempts to stay hip (Apple Martin, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence, Moon Unit Zappa, etc.), now seemingly ordinary people are naming their children after bands that haven’t been hip in 20 years.

However, this isn’t even the most ludicrously entertaining family tale of the week. On Tuesday it was revealed that Keith Richards told NME he snorted a portion of his cremated father’s ashes following his death five years ago because he, “couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow.” That the Rolling Stones’ guitarist would mix his recently deceased parent’s remains with a small amount of cocaine is one thing. But that it’s not a even surprise that he sniffed the concoction is another more-disturbing issue entirely.

It would be nice to think Richards inhaled the substance as a sign of respect for his old man, or that he offered a line of his ashy drug to family so everybody could get in on the action to prove their departed relative would always be apart of them. But honestly, it’s easier to believe the then-58-year-old was just bored and looking for something new to inject into his system. Then again, it’s mildly feasible to think this wasn’t the first person — relative or otherwise — that Richards snorted.

A day after the international media got wind of iconic axeman’s quote, Rolling Stones spokesman Bernard Doherty said the comment was a joke and could be chalked up to April’s Fools. Albeit apparently a few days late… and not very funny… and said after a pause and what NME deemed “much thinking.” A statement on the Stones’ official Web site also claims the quote was not to be taken seriously, saying Bert Richards’ ashes were mixed with Oak tree seeds, that the results are growing as proof, and that the guitarist “wouldn’t take cocaine at this point in my life unless [he] wished to commit suicide.”

The NME stands by the seriousness of the original quote. And they should. Richards has never denied his ramped drug use, and it’s strange to develop a conscience this late in his public life. Maybe Stones’ advisers planted the seed (pun intended) in the guitarist’s head that inhaling human dust might constitute cannibalism.

Although, if it is possible to get high off someone’s cremated remains, the legendary drug user might have stumbled onto his posthumous destiny. Just imagine the street value for a vile of the Rolling Stone’s ashes. And buyers wouldn’t even have to mix in any extra cocaine like Richards did with his father’s, as more than 40 years of substance abuse and alcohol dependency has probably made his body a mini Columbia in waiting. Cartels should start lining up now to bid on the rights to Richards’ body. There’s a fortune to be made with that corpse.

And when that time comes, nostalgic Stones fans and wealthy businessmen with trendy drug habits will get the fix of a lifetime… let’s just hope they come down before naming their children something stupid.

Daily Herald BEEP, April 04, 2007