On Dec. 19, the body of Cristin Keleher was discovered near California’s Lake Tahoe. The police report said her corpse, and that of a 48-year-old man, were found in an SUV with bullet wounds to their heads. Preliminary police statements said the deaths appear to be part of a murder suicide.

Keleher is known for breaking into ex-Beatle George Harrison’s Maui home in 1999. At the time, she claimed it began raining and she hopped the fence to get some shelter. While inside, and before security discovered her, she did what anybody would do – made a frozen pizza, drank Harrison’s root beer, did a load of laundry and dialed her mother.

Which, to be fair, is not only bizarrely endearing, but also much more civil than when Mike Abram broke into the legendary rocker’s English mansion that same year and stabbed him in the chest.

Either Harrison has the worst security in the history of rock’n’roll, or he’s hiding something in his various estates that sends stalkers into a fervor.

Keleher’s death got me thinking which artists’ homes I’d like to break into, and what I would steal if I could… well, besides the obvious Digiorno and free long distance.

Artist: Elton John
Item: His hair spellbook
Elton John in 1977 didn’t even have enough hair for a bad combover – let alone a good one. So how can he have a solid mop top in 2007? Be it a wig, hair plugs, Rogaine or some secret potion… the piano jockey is hiding something. On behalf of all men with “shaved” heads, it only seems fair to figure out what’s John’s secret to his now locks.

Artist: Keith Richards
Item: The Picture of Keith Richards
When Oscar Wilde penned the brilliant “Picture of Dorian Gray” in 1890, he had no idea that the Rolling Stones’ guitarist would be its rock’n’roll counterpart. In Wilde’s tale, the portrait becomes an outlet for the ugliness in the main character’s life – instead of aging, Dorian Gray keeps eternal youth while his image in the picture grows more decrepit and disfigured as he sours. I’m pretty sure Richards has something like this. But instead of the portrait housing all Richards’ hate and negative emotions, it’s an outlet for his substance abuse. That’s the only excuse for how he’s still alive. All the drugs and alcohol he’s digested throughout the years haven’t actually stayed in his system, but instead been funneled to an oil painting he surely has hidden somewhere.

Artist: Shakira
Item: Her hips
Forget Wonder Woman’s truth lasso, if Shakira’s “hips don’t lie,” then they are just as useful in fighting crime. Besides, even if her waist can’t generate blatant honesty from evildoers, I’d still have her hips. And they are worth stealing on their own.

Artist: Glenn Phillips, frontman for Toad The Wet Sprocket
Item: List of rejected band names
If this is the best thing the mid-90’s, college rock ensemble could come up with, I’d love to see what got turned down. Yes, it’s a reference to Monty Python. Yes, there was a metal band in the 1970s that shared the same name. But that doesn’t make it any better. Think about it, the other suggested names were so bad, that when somebody shouted this out it sounded good enough to stick. (NOTE: This reasoning could also apply to bands Ass Blown Off, Pity The Midget, Bongzilla and The Pooh Sticks)

Artist: Adam Duritz, frontman for Counting Crows
Item: Address book, palm pilot or anything that contains contact information
On the band’s first two albums, Duritz parlayed his misery into great songs. When nobody liked him, he wrote poignant, distinctly personal ditties about loss and depression. But then something happened – he got friends. And ever since, his music has been beyond bad. So in hopes of getting back the gritty, melancholy from pre-1997, I’d make sure to keep him as socially isolated as possible. No famous girlfriends. No high-priced producers. Slim the band back to six people, and stop sounding so damn happy. If he doesn’t know their numbers, he can’t call them to set up viewings of “Shrek 2,” and maybe spend that time writing music that actually matters again.

Artist: Thom Yorke, frontman for Radiohead
Item: His keyboards and samplers
If he doesn’t have them, he can’t use them. Thus, he might go back to writing brilliant guitar songs a la “The Bends” and “Ok Computer.”

Artist: Lupe Fiasco
Item: His robot
In interviews, the comic book, Adult Swim, skateboarding fanatic has claimed to have a robot named Seymour. The emcee is such a huge robot freak, that he’s gone into great detail about Seymour’s ability to fly. While Fiasco has been clear that his bot doesn’t rap or swim, he has been very specific about how he can sit inside its head and work the controls. It sounds much cooler than when those Power Rangers piloted from inside a robots cranium.

Artist: Iggy Pop
Item: Yoga mat and books
Iggy Pop will turn 60 years old this April. Have you seen him lately? He’s got the physique of a 25-year-old – minus the wrinkles. They guy doesn’t have an ounce of fat on him, and can still twist and turn himself into a pretzel.

Artists: Noel and Liam Gallagher, frontmen for Oasis
Item: Little knickknacks to be placed in each other’s houses
Let’s be fair, Oasis isn’t going to break up because of the brothers’ feud. The Gallaghers are too smart to try anything on their own, and realize they need one another to be successful and relevant. With no fear of causing a split in the band, I’d use this as a chance to get the two at each other’s throats again. The band was at its best when the two were rivals, ready to snap at a moment’s notice – be it backstage, in an interview, limousine, wherever. So instead of taking anything from their homes with me, I’d just drop it off at the other’s house. Take Noel’s guitar picks and leave them at Liam’s. Take Liam’s sunglasses and hide them at Noel’s. Imagine the bickering that would result from thinking the brothers are stealing from each other.

Artist: Axl Rose
Item: Chinese Democracy
Guns N’ Roses has delayed this album for almost a decade. It’s supposedly going to drop this March. I’ll believe it when I hear it. Stealing it might be the only way the tunes will reach anyone but Rose.

Artist: Chrissie Hynde, frontwoman for The Pretenders
Item: Actual lyrics for “The Wait”
This is my favorite song that I have absolutely no idea what the lyrics are. Each version on the Internet is slightly different; and even ones on official Pretenders’ sites and liner notes alter with each rendition. It would be nice to know what I should be singing while I’m rocking out in my car.

Artist: John Darnielle, frontman from The Mountain Goats
Item: His library
Darnielle has a reputation as the most literary man in all of rock’n’roll… and his lyrics perpetuate that persona. Drawing as much from classic novels as from obscure novellas, the songwriter’s home library must be marvelous.

Artist: Rob Zombie
Item: His DVD collection
Have you seen this guy’s “MTV Cribs”? It’s amazing. The man has thousands – literally thousands – of horror films that range from bizarre B-movies to fresh Japanese flicks. It’s almost as if somebody could concoct a scary, over-the-top look based entirely on characters this collection. Who’d have thought?

Artist: Michael Jackson
Item: Bubbles the Chimp
It sounds obvious, but c’mon… who wouldn’t want a pet chimp?

Artist: Paul Westerberg
Item: His toolbox
In December the Replacements frontman was reportedly trying to scrape candle wax off a table and put a screwdriver through his hand. He is in a cast, and the nerve damage will prevent him from playing a guitar for more than a year. I wouldn’t necessarily try to lift the actual tool he put through his mit – although I could probably get a freakishly high bid for that on eBay. But in order to prevent further injury, I’d make sure to rid his house of any more of the items.

Daily Herald’s BEEP, Jan. 2, 2007